I was having a moment today. I am feeling so overwhelmed with all I need to do. Then I told myself, it will get done when it gets done.
Over the last year and a half, I haven’t been allowed to work half of that due to lockdowns. It has been hard being a single mom, supporting 3 kids on my own. I have loving friends and family, but it is still a struggle everyday doing this on my own. Today, when I think of school work I have to do, cleaning I have to do, when will I be allowed to work again, I need to change what I’m doing because of my injury and constantly not being able to work. That’s when I thought, I lost myself again. I let things pile up because I was so busy doing things for other people. I did this before and I don’t want to do that again.
I love being a mom. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching my girls grow up into strong, beautiful, smart young women (all who are still with me). I did however, not have any real identity when they were younger besides a mom and wife. I loved reading books, I enjoyed working out, I love going on trail walks. Anything I enjoyed doing was either done late at night when the kids were asleep, or just forgotten about, because I was a mom and wife.
Fast forward to 3 years ago when my marriage broke up. I finally had the chance to figure out who I was, sort of. Since my girls are with me full time, I still have so much to do in taking care of a house and working. However, I had some time to figure out what I really like. I had started running and was able to really get good at that.
And then, covid hit. Now we are all locked down. I haven’t been allowed to work half of the last year and a half. I have lost myself again. Putting a ton of effort in everywhere else, but myself. This morning as I sat here thinking of everything I need to do, it overwhelmed me. That’s when I realized, I have all day and all weekend. I can get to things slowly. There is no rush. Everything will get done when it gets done. It isn’t going anywhere.
So this weekend, I need to focus on me. Self love, doing things I enjoy, taking time for me. We all need to take time for ourselves and put ourselves first. When you continuously give to others, there’s nothing left to give to yourself. It’s ok to say no, something I have always struggled with. Always love yourself enough to know when you need to put you first, otherwise you have nothing left to give to anyone else.
I’ve noticed over the last year and a half. So many people, myself included. We wanted the chance to have a bit of a break from everything. To work a little less. Take some time for ourselves. Well, that has been forced on us. And yet, so many of us still haven’t gotten any of the things we wanted to get done, done. Things we enjoy have been put on the back burner.
My spiritual practice evolved over the last 5 years and 3 years ago I really started to practice and study. However, this past year and a half, when I’ve had so much more time to myself, not being allowed to work due to the shut downs. I put my spiritual practice on hold. However, deep in me, I knew I needed to get back to it and it would help me continue to grow and heal.
Last week, a friend asked me to do a candle healing for her. I was happy to do it. Got all my supplies together, sat down in front of my fireplace where I do my work and looked over at the candles I had started for myself a few months before that I didn’t finish. So, the decision was made to do both at the same time.
This was healing for me on so many levels. Not only was I finishing the candles for me that I needed to finish (clearly when I started them wasn’t the right time, because now was), but getting back to my spiritual practice, something my soul has been longing for.
While doing candle healing sessions, there is so much to watch for, the flame, wax dripping, length of time. This all tells a story. The candles for myself, and the candles for my friend, they told some amazing stories. In both cases, a lot of hurt was being let go. I will share pictures of my candles and may share pictures of her candles in another post.
This was so healing for me. It was cutting cords and releasing. In the second picture, the wicks are facing one another. This part of my life was important and shaped who I was. The third picture, the wicks are looking away, wanting to let go. The fifth picture is so important for me because it made me out loud admit something that I always knew but kept to myself. The one candle has 2 flames. Yes it is because the cord on that candle has a flame. However, what it represents is something so important for me to admit and let go of. It is how I looked at the situation. I knew deep down it wasn’t right, it needed to end in order for me to grow as a person. However, I held out for it to work. In this situation, I held on to something that I had built up in my mind and wanted, but never existed and never would exist in this situation. These two flames represent that. The two sided struggle that was in me for years. Wanting this situation to be what I imagined it should be, and the reality, it not being anything like that at all. Had I let go sooner, I might have realized what I was looking for was out there, just not where I had been looking. Luckily, I have found it and am so happy. The sixth picture, my candle did look back to the other side one last time before letting go and going out. The last two pictures showed me something that I needed to see because I blamed myself for holding on. Yes I had the conflict in me of wanting something that wasn’t there. However, the last two pictures show, I had let go, it wasn’t my fault that my situation held on for so long. The second candle is looking back at me, but I was already done and gone.
Since doing this healing, I have felt so much lighter and, well, free. I can now move forward with nothing holding me back. I am happy, truly happy. It was also great getting back to my work. I love incorporating these healings in for people along with holistic medicine. Healing on a physical and spiritual level.
I have another cord cutting to do for a friend, along with a few other healings. I am so excited to get back to what I love doing. So while our lives have been put on hold for the last year and a half, start doing stuff you love. You’ll thank yourself for it.
This post took awhile to write. Not because it was difficult to put into words. It was difficult for me to tell others, because some will not understand. This is also something that brings me to tears, so it is hard to sit down and write it out.
I have some wonderful fur babies. I have also lost some amazing fur babies. I loved them all dearly and miss every single one. One was my boy, one of my soul mates. Yes you can have an animal who is a soul mate. Soul mates are not always romantic. They can be family and friends as well. He was one of mine. I could see how he felt looking in his eyes. Moe was my boy. When I lost him, I was lost. At the time we had Moe, Lillie and Sophie. Today, we still have Sophie. Lillie and Sophie had 2 years together where they truly loved being together. Before that, it was a struggle. Lillie hadn’t gotten along with Moe since she was a puppy. They simply tolerated each other. Sophie loved Moe, so she and Lillie didn’t get along a lot. We were at the end of our rope trying to get them all to get along, so I know Moe decided it was time for him to leave, to allow them to enjoy each other. That breaks my heart, but they really did love each other after that.
Then we found out Lillie had cancer. I worked long and hard to help her, but in the end lost her. She was my baby. She slept in the bed with me every night for 6 years, from her third night with us. I was devastated. It took me 3 days fighting with myself to let her go. Sophie was devastated. Then 4 months later, by accident, I found a puppy. She was born 3 months to the day after Lillie passed and she was able to come home with us on Lillies birthday. I had to have her and she was the only one left. Just from her picture, I knew she was ours and Lillie helped me find her.
We brought her home. 7 of us tried to come up with a name and no one was satisfied. Looking around a book store with my oldest, I spotted a name on a book and said what about that one. And her name was decided. Maya.
She and Sophie loved each other, cuddled all the time. She was my baby. Then our lives changed drastically. My marriage broke up when she was 8 months old. She was confused and missed her daddy who just was gone one day. It broke my heart to see her in pain. Then she and Sophie stopped getting along. To much female hormones and both of them missing their daddy. So many friends of my girls coming in and out of the house to keep them company with the break up of our family, really threw Maya off. She started to get really miserable and not happy with anyone but me.
Fast forward to March 23/2021. I was sitting on the couch and Maya crawled up, looked me straight in the eyes, and I heard in my head, “why did daddy leave us?” That threw me off. I thought, why did I think that? I know it needed to happen. I have moved on from that hurt. Neither of us were happy and we needed to go our separate ways. So why on earth would I think that. And then it hit me. I have known since bringing this special girl home, she has the same eyes as Moe and she has some sort of connection to Lillie. They brought me this little girl when I needed her most, and when Sophie needed her. It wasn’t me who thought that, it was her and I could hear her.
Instantly I responded, I don’t know but I’m here with you always. Next, I messaged one of my closest friends and told her. She said, yup that would be her you heard. You could do that for other people. Help them hear what their animals are telling them. Help them get closure for those fur babies they have lost. Every since that conversation, Maya has been happier with everyone. She just needed to know none of us are leaving her. Animals feel fear, pain, loss and love just like we do. When they lose someone they love, they hurt. Just like us, they need their family, their loved ones to be there for them. They are family and see us as their family, giving us unconditional love. Like I said, this was hard to write. When I started to cry, Maya crawled up on the couch, gave me some kisses and once I was calm, lied down next to me and is sleeping soundly. She needs me just as much as I need her.
This is my first post and I’m excited to be starting.
With this, things have changed and will be changing as I continue to evolve as a person and practitioner.
A bit of an update. I have been practicing as a Herbalist since 2005 and a Manual Osteopath since 2014. My life changed drastically in 2019, forcing me to focus more so on osteopathy. February 2020 I injured my hand which has had a huge impact on my osteopathic practice, forcing me to again make huge changes, however, it is allowing me to get back to my love of herbal medicine and focus on my spiritual journey.
Last year I started studying plant spirit medicine and medical astrology. This year I am adding to my current studies hypnotherapy, past lives, shadow work and human design. With all the changes that have come in my life over the last 3 years, so has a lot of stress and uncertainty. This past year has been hard for everyone. And I want to be able to help others who have been where I was and am.
In looking at human design, astrology and shadow work, you can truly get to who you really are and why you are the way you are. As I continue my journey with my own shadow work and human design, I’ll share my experiences.
I am also excited to be taking my herbal studies in a slightly different direction. Herbalists have always looked at the individual holistically. However now, when looking at them with astrology, and looking at the plants in an astrological and spiritual way. I now get an entirely different way to work with an individual to treat them holistically.
I am excited to be evolving my practice and to share my stories.
Until next time,